Oh, humans. When will you finally grasp the fact that dogs hate to be dressed up in funny outfits? The humiliation of Halloween has barely faded and you’re already trying to stuff your “best friend” into a Christmas sweater so gaudy it makes him grateful he’s partially colorblind.
The truth is, people like to include their dogs in everything they do, and that includes wearing tacky sweaters and other kitschy regalia at Christmas time. Since the 90s, ugly Christmas sweater parties have skyrocketed in popularity, quickly becoming one of the season’s wackiest and most irreverent traditions. Naturally, anything this big in human society was bound to spread to the canine world sooner or later.
These days, you can go online and find a pretty wide selection of ugly Christmas sweaters for dogs. Here are some of the best examples we could dig up. We can assure you that no dogs were harmed in taking these product pictures, no matter how oppressed they might look.
Just because you have a big dog doesn’t mean you can’t dress him up in godawful clothing. This, er, colorful Gingerbread Man sweater comes in a wide range of sizes. In fact, it even comes in human sizes, as there are matching versions for kids and adults.
This doggy sweater is funny because it’s true. Anyone who has male dogs knows the risks of building a snowman where the pooches do their business. Anyhoo… the yellow snowflakes are a nice touch.
Your Sweater is Ugly
Maybe it’s just stating the obvious, but this shirt deserves props for telling it like it is. It’s perfect attire for any canine attending an ugly Christmas sweater party, or for that matter, any holiday gathering where bad sweaters are sure to be worn. We’re lookin’ at you, Dad.
Unlike the more outlandish designs, this vintage dog sweater features a cheesy Christmas pattern. Because, hey, sometimes a dog wearing a corny Christmas sweater is funny enough.
Hung by the Chimney with Care
The “with care” part is debatable with this barfingly festive eyesore. The stockings hanging from the sweater are real and can be filled with dog treats (as if wearing the sweater isn’t torture enough for the dog!). As with the Gingerbread Man sweater, you can get a human version of this sweater so you and Fido can be united in tackiness.
Tacky Christmas Tree
The awful pattern on this red and white argyle sweater is bad enough. Throw in a goofy Christmas tree, and this thing has a good shot at winning the canine portion of any ugly sweater contest. Large dogs are off the hook for this one, as it’s recommended for small breeds only.
Ugly Cute Reindeer
Is it ugly? Is it cute? Are those two things mutually exclusive? Whatever the case, this is undoubtedly a fun way to dress up your pooch for the holidays.
Santa’s Little Helper
Not a sweater, but this polyester costume deserves a spot due to its overwhelming cuteness. It’s perfect for wacky holiday pictures, or just a silly Christmas Eve with family. Bonus points if your dog is named Buddy.
Unspeakable Reindeer Games
Clearly we saved the worst for last. The “Reindeer Threesome” design is actually one of the more notorious choices for humans, so why not dogs? Well, other than the fact that it’s completely depraved. Needless to say, this one’s not for mixed company.
As mentioned, you can buy all of these tacky dog sweaters online, most of them for $20 or less. If you’re planning to get one for your dog this Christmas, we recommend buying early. The most popular designs tend to sell out fast.